"You want assaults? Hey, we got ‘em, ranked second in the nation. Murder? Got that, too, with Detroit also landing the silver medal in homicide. Want your car ripped off? Give it a minute or so. Guess who’s No. 2? We are!
"Apparently, Detroit criminals are more into working outside than inside, as burglaries came in at an anemic 17th place.
"But if that’s not enough mayhem for you, nearby Flint, Mich., can supply you with your fill of felonies. In an attempt to show up Detroit, Flint apparently went on an assault binge to come in first in the country. And while it only took the bronze in murder, Flint does receive a silver medal for burglary.
"But at least you can park your car in Flint - for a little while anyway. It ranked a mere 28th nationally in car theft.
"I’m not sure what I’m going to do here on my free time. Maybe visit the Drive-By-Shooting Museum. Or maybe I’ll just sit in my hotel room, push my big dresser in front of the door and watch documentaries on TV.
"Maybe one on Beirut."
I think it's safe to say Sean won't be signing up to be a war correspondent anytime soon.