Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A Quest to End All Quests

At long last, some crazy mixed-up dreamers named Emily, Jason and Andy have begun a noble quest. It's a journey that will require strength, skill, stamina and, perhaps, a concealed firearm or two. (Not having a job would also come in handy.) Their goal? To visit every bar in Flint and write about it on their blog, which is appropriately titled Every Bar in Flint.

Ahh, to be young again.

Here is their manifesto:

"We are going to drink a beer in every bar in Flint, Michigan. We are going to take a piss in every dirty bathroom, eat every overcooked hamburger, generously over-tip every waitress that calls us 'hun', burn our mouths on every 35 cent hot wing, and tip back a few with every kind of person we have in this fair city. Flint isn't so big that it can't be done, but it is big enough that this will be an epic journey and we hope you'll read along as we drink our way to adventure!"

Brash words. Even haughty. Can they do it? Well, judging from Andy's photo, they may be peaking a bit too soon. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Pace yourselves, young booze hounds. Pace yourselves.


  1. If these insufferable blog nerds are concerned about getting "shanked" in the Torch parking lot (as stated in one of their Yelp reviews...ugh) they're gonna be regularly crapping their panties when they enter the likes of Beavers Sports Lounge (or whatever they're calling it now)

    This trio with their blogs, reviews, laptops, digital cameras, and penchant for overdocumentation are total buzzkills.

    Now I remember why I loathe suburbanites who slum their college years in Flint and then claim Flint citizenship. Just another wacky anecdote for their online resume of dull edginess.

    Now if I could only find my shank. Hmmmm. Maybe this screwdriver will do.

  2. We're in it to win it!

    Thanks for the support!

  3. A more noble quest has not been taken since the Holy Grail. God Speed

  4. Sounds like an incredibly fun but bad idea. I have a feeling their journey is going to end in liver failure. It could be from the excessive amounts of alcohol they will be drinking to convince themselves these bars are fun, or it could be from the bullet hole they find in their liver after a few of the sketchier bars. In any case, good luck to them, and I will be following along on their blog.

  5. I think this is doable, especially of they add Don Williamson to the team!

  6. just red the posts, they seem like nice folks. Not sure I wanna read three reviews on each bar, at least of they all agree, if there is some disagreement, I'm looking forward to a and old school SNL point-counterpoint smackdown!

  7. "We're in it to win it?" What exactly are they winning and how much support does one need to go drinking?

  8. with ya Wurst...only use a spud wrench, harder to prove forensically.
    I'm not impressed, especially since me and the other Crows were doing it in highschool on a regular basis. Now if they were going to consume a drink at every Southern writer's favorite bar, or home, like Tennesse W., Faulkner, etc., and stood up, whilst imbibing, and quoted verbatim a passage from their favorite tome, then I'd be impressed. They can get their start by hitting the Bluebird in Leland, for a Harrison priming paean. They can score extra points(they'll need them), by having a sterno cocktail w/the street people outside Capt. Tony's,while possibly adding skeet shooting to the drill.And when they finally hit GY's state of base, they can fix tortillas for Danny and his Friends. Sliante Plebes! the ghost of Richard Brautigan beckons...remember midol works great on hangovers.

  9. I love it when people use the word shank for any reason. I can hardly wait for Club Whats Next!

    I think its sort of funny someone with the handle "Wurstside Warlord" with the fancy letters is throwing the stone "insufferable blog nerd" tehe.

    oh well. there's no room for haters when there's so many drinking buddies to meet and greet. GO FOR IT!

  10. Good Luck has not been done sunce 1986 when a friend and I made it our goal. Such lofty goals we did it. Too bad they missed out on Augie's, Old Frank's, and such.

  11. Wow. A lot of you trying to sound like bad asses.

    I get the impression that they're trying to have a good time, not prove how stupid or reckless they are.

    Wurstside warlord, and bustup come across as way more pretentious and pompous. Plus just what Flint needs is a couple more people threatening violence. Even in jest it's in bad taste.

  12. well said Anonymouses. What is the plural of Anonymous? Anonymi?

    Insufferable? Maybe. Blog Nerds? Probably. Suburbanite, not at all.

    Umlaut guy owes me a beer for not pegging us for the nearly 30 somethings we happen to be. Bustup owes me a shot for watching too much CSI.

    And both of them owe me another beer for thinking that our blog was for anything other than legitimizing our drinking problems and phishing for free drinks on the interwebs.

    Shame on you all.... shame...

    For everyone else who isn't now obligated to buy us a drink. We hope we see you out and about. Come sit and drink with us

  13. I changed my mind. Whats wrong with painting Flint as a uncultured, piss stained, charred burger eating, shank filled, blackhole devoid of tasty microbrews? Its true.

    I can hardly wait for the tales of toothless drunks, clogged toilets, fuzzy televisions, loose floorboards, broken MGD bottles, unworking Golden Tee games, stale pickle-loaf sandwiches, smack talking bar maids, blinking Schlitz signs, dirty tap lines, out of tune karaoke, Skynyrd on the jukebox, mullet wearing bartenders, out of style patrons, step dancing, sexy bathroom graffiti, skanky strippers, foul mouthed customers, autographed photos of Burt Reynolds, strange/disgusting mixed drinks, underage drinkers, spent casings in the parking lot, drinking after 2, racial tension, homophobic outbursts, unidentifiable crusty substances, eccentric but lovable panhandlers, hopeless alcoholism, mental illness, fights, cops, and of course shanks in the parking lot. Lots and lots of shanks.

    The Torch is a DANGEROUS place. Start there and work your way up. Mona's has Sierra Nevada on tap, sparkling bathrooms, indie rock dj nights, hot tattooed bartenders, and vintage pinball!! It is totes cool.

  14. Man, I've never seen so much anger over three people who just want to get drunk and possibly, perhaps inevitably, get their ass kicked in a Flint bar. So come on, even if you think this will end badly, let's be slightly encouraging.

    Having said that, the three boozers should take the advice offered up here. As Wurstside points out, please don't be predictable in your reviews. My readers are from Flint; they know what the inside of a bar looks like. Keep the descriptions short and do some real reporting. Talk to other drinkers and get their stories. That's what will make this quest worthwhile for us.

    Again, good luck.

  15. And as Jim Holbel points out, we don't need three interpretations of each bar. One is enough. Take turns or co-author them.

    Having said that, I fully intend to come to Flint this summer and force Andy to buy me a beer at a bar of my choosing.

    Don't give up. Bustup and Wurstside are just testing you to see if you're worthy of the quest.

  16. Y'see, native Flintoids sometimes get tired of the characterization of our fellow countrymen and women as quaint shoprats, gum chewing toughies, colorful oddballs, and assorted other blue collar archetypes. The simple old "shot and a beer" or "what can I get ya 'hun", and/or shank toting thug stereotypes are the products of the imaginations of those with preconceived notions or limited experience or both.

    Non-native Flint residents and suburbanites used to be ASHAMED of their association with the city. Since the dawn of the irony-laden internet age, the idea of Gen X/Y/Zers claiming Flint street cred has become a badge of honor for some. Nevertheless, many insist they are from ahem... *cough*... "The Toughest Town Around Since 1855" even though they just moved here from GB or New Lothrop. I can't relate.

    With a few exceptions, it often seems like people who immigrated to Flint during their college years or thereafter "love" the city like it is a distant, incarcerated relative or a retarded puppy dog. I dunno... maybe if you ride Gordo's Dupont bus for a few years you'll understand... unless some crazy dude shanks ya first.

  17. Confidential to Andy: I owe you a beer?!?! More like you owe me a couple dozen percocets for the near-aneurysm inducing headache your blog gave me... or you could just shank me and put me out of my misery.

  18. pretentious, pompous...what a grin. love it when little squeekers like you can raise up on your hind legs and bark, especially from the porch with the rest of the puppies. I can honestly say I've never seen an episode of that series, as I removed my sat. recv'r, long ago. and that threesome is doing is more than pretentious. and less than pompous. very close to stupid, probably closer to wanking. they'd be better off traveling around town and getting close w/the young MAN who talks w/the street people. do something constructive instead of destructive. any fool can drink, and they usually prove it. andy, I wouldn't buy you a shot. nor a beer. you ain't earned the honor. I would buy Somebody an Alban's corned beef&kosher dill, because that person knows the difference between flogging a flaccid, fatuous farce to death, and a damn good sandwich. Those pups need to head home to grand blank and mummy. Angry? not hardly. bored is closer to it. even a skeeze like muckal moor can come up with something more original. oh, andy? pick up a book instead of a tv remote sometime. Gy? always entertaining tuning in here! sliante!

  19. Okay, I feel like I'm at a Flint bar now with all this wonderful bickering and taunting. I may need to make a rusty nail while I take all this in.

    Actually, I'm cutting off the "discussion" at this point. Let the drinkers visit their bars and report back.

    I'll close with this...the only bar I've ever been sort of afraid in was in the U.P., not Flint.

  20. a good idea GY. discretion is the better part of arguing. back to work...

  21. if the bar was in Trenary, his name is Craig, and he's a friend. he soaks his Trenary toast in Heinie's dark... for breakfast. grand blank, hehehehe.


Thanks for commenting. I moderate comments, so it may take a while for your comment to appear. You might enjoy my book about Flint called "Teardown: Memoir of a Vanishing City," a Michigan Notable Book for 2014 and a finalist for the 33rd Annual Northern California Book Award for Creative NonFiction. Filmmaker Michael Moore described Teardown as "a brilliant chronicle of the Mad Maxization of a once-great American city." More information about Teardown is available at